Brian John Richardson - Part 1

Father's Day - 2011

It has taken me a long time to get ready to do this. At the time Brian died we were on the point of divorce. Not because of any of the normal reasons, but because of the severity of his depression.

Actually, I believe he was bipolar. But in his case the depression was dominant and when he was depressed he was often angry. We both liked it when he was manic because that was when he got things done and that helped him like himself and he was more fun to be around. I believe he was manic because he slept very little. When he was depressed he slept more and had a hard time getting up. I'm pretty sure he was severely depressed for most of the last 3 years of his life. This got worse and worse until it resulted in his death. I believe he died of a terrible disease. He was every bit as handicapped as if he had been in a wheel chair. But because he had a mental handicap it didn't show and it was impossible to know where the disease ended and his personality began. His disease was often fatal and at the time he died was rarely treatable. I'm not sure Brian would have taken treatment anyway. You must have hope to believe that medication could help, especially if the medication takes weeks to take effect and even then the person taking the medication cannot tell if it makes a difference.

However, after lots of time I think I am ready to talk about the parts of Brian that were not the illness. I know I didn't tell you enough about him when you were growing up. I know that some of the things you remember about him are not the easiest memories because he scared you sometimes and the fear you felt is what caused the memory to be retained. But that was the sickness and not the person. I know that he was no longer able to be a good father in life, but that he has been at your sides through every important experience (and many not so important ones) since he died. I know how much he loves you and I know he watches over you all the time and cares for you in ways he couldn't in life.

So here is my account of your father's life, focusing as much as possible on the man and not the disease.

Brian John Richardson
Dec. 4, 1954 - Jan. 13, 1993

Brian was born in Waltham, Massachusetts. At that time the family lived in a small house in Waltham. His dad, Robert Esplin Richardson worked at Hansen Labs (a government facility on an air force base) through MIT. He was a nuclear physicist and worked on such things as radar tracking, which had the side effect of showing a lot about the migratory habits of birds. Brian's mother, Amy Cornick Richardson was a typical stay at home mom of the 1950s. Brian was the 4th of 6 children.

Bob and Amy had some very challenging years as parents. Their first child, Bert, was very bright. Their second child, David, suffered some severe injuries at birth resulting in physical as well as mental impairment. I understand that the difference between an exceptionally bright child and a very slow, handicapped child was very difficult for Bob and Amy. Then their 3rd child came, a girl named Amy Anne. Amy Anne had hydrocephalus, a disease where the body makes too much cerebro-spinal fluid and has an inadequate ability to drain that fluid out of the head. In the early 50s they really had no good ways to treat this. Amy Anne was in and out of the hospital for most of her short life. She cried a lot because she was in pain from the pressure in her head. She died, sometime around her 2nd birthday. When I married into the family and for a long time after that no one talked about Amy Anne, this frustrated Brian a great deal because he wanted to know about his only sister.

Brian was a bright, active child. I only know a few of his childhood experiences and I can't really place them in any order. I know that early on he fell into the roll of taking care of David. He loved his older brother and was willing to take care of him when others would not. I know that the 5 boys (with the addition of Alan and Jim) were very busy, active boys. Their mother was the primary president for a while and I have heard stories of things that took place while she was at meetings. Once, David was on a swing and Brian walked in front of the swing and David's foot brace hit Brian in the head. Blood and stitches and a scar on his eyebrow. Brian had several scars from stitches. The boys played together as well as can be expected, but accidents happened.

Bob and Amy were very active in the church and had quite a lot to do with the building up of the church in the Boston area. I know that several prominent men came to the are to work on advanced degrees, including L. Tom Perry (who was their home teacher) and Boyd K. Packer (who was in their ward.) I'm sure there were others, but I don't know them all. Many future general authorities came to that area for school at Harvard or MIT. Some came as church leaders. I know the family was involved in building the chapel for the Weston ward. Bob was bishop around 1983, but I don't know the exact dates he served. (If anyone is interested, Danny Ainge the BYU basketball great from the late 1970s came to Boston to play for the Celtics and was in the Weston ward. I thought it was great, I used to watch him play in the Marriott center.)

Brian did well in school and seminary. Weston was a unique town during Brian's growing up years. A newspaper article at the time claimed that there were more Doctor's on any given street in Weston than anywhere else. However, if you had a car accident you weren't going to get much help as they were almost all PhDs not MDs. (Bob had a PhD) Weston was a a suburb where many of the professors at Harvard, MIT and Boston University lived. Also in the area was Wellsley an Ivy League Women's college. (David worked there for years as a janitor) There are other colleges in the area too. So, all of this meant that the public schools in Weston were way above average for the country at the time. Brian had classes that were not typically offered in other places and he excelled for the most part. His parents were very involved in his education (as were the parents of his peers) and even when he lost interest in a class his mom was there to push him on.

All 5 children learned to work hard. The house and yard were large and required a lot of upkeep. Trees had to be taken care of, the pond and garden cared for. Bob was always fixing things, although Brian felt that he should have been taught more about how to care for things. Brian really did know how to fix a lot of things even though he didn't think so. I tell you this more to give you an example of how hard he was on himself. But more important than that was the fact that Brian learned how to work. He knew how to study. He knew the importance of church. His parents taught him well.

Brian's family always tried to do things right. They were people who sought to do things perfectly, but they were hard on themselves when they fell short. This was very hard for Brian. He felt that his family "looked" perfect, but he knew they weren't. Because he felt pressure to "be" perfect, he was very hard on himself when he wasn't. Also, because Bert, Brian and Dad were VERY intelligent the family expectations were high. Brian was one of the smartest people I have ever known. However, he thought that he was dumb. I'm not saying this was his family's fault, but their high expectations became part of his self image and he never felt that he measured up. This later became a large part of his mental issues.

Because Bob worked for MIT, even though he didn't work AT MIT, his children were given scholarships to college. (Things don't work this way anymore, too bad....) Brian could have gotten into MIT as Bert could have, but they both chose to go to BYU. MIT would pay for college until the dollar amount equaled what it would have cost to get a 4 year degree at MIT. What a deal. So Brian never applied for or worried about any scholarships.

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Okay, I've written a lot and I'm out of time. If you guys are lucky, I will include some photos next time. Anyway, here is a start on your father's life.

Spiritual Entitlement

Family, this is something that I have been thinking about for a long time. About 6 years ago I went to Women's Conference at BYU and I ended up in the "wrong" class. It was for couples who struggled with infertility issues. One of the first things the teacher said was "No one who has not experienced this can understand how we feel." I took issue with that and still do. Since then I have seen many articles, talks, even books, usually about infertility where the implication seems to be that "no one else can understand our feelings."

Since I also live a life out of the traditional family pattern, I feel like I have experienced many of the same feelings even though the cause has been different. I had a husband that suffered from severe mental health issues. On the outside, I'm sure our family looked like the traditional family, but it was a family in chaos. We went forward and survived, but that doesn't mean it wasn't very difficult for all of us at times.

I guess I just resent the thought that I can't understand someone Else's struggles just because they are different from mine. I know that there are many single women and many single mothers who feel that married women can't understand them. I disagree. Most of my close friends are married and we understand each other just fine. Their struggles are different from mine, but if I've learned anything from them it is that we are sisters. We have been through many trials together and our differing circumstances have little to do with our friendship.

So, although I have thought about this little essay for years, I haven't written it down before. Read it through and tell me what you think.

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We live in a culture of Entitlement. We feel that we are entitled to a nice home, health insurance, a car, an education, a good career, etc., etc., etc.. In fact we have been warned by our church leaders that an attitude of entitlement is dangerous.

"The worldly aspiration of our day is to get something for nothing. The ancient evil of greed
shows its face in the assertion of entitlement: I am entitled to this or that because of who I
am—a son or a daughter, a citizen, a victim, or a member of some other group. Entitlement is
generally selfish. It demands much, and it gives little or nothing. Its very concept causes us
to seek to elevate ourselves above those around us. This separates us from the divine,
evenhanded standard of reward that when anyone obtains any blessing from God, it is by
obedience to the law on which that blessing is predicated (see D&C 130:21)." Dallin H Oaks,
General Conference address, April 2009.

It may be that we also suffer from an attitude of spiritual entitlement. We feel that we are entitled to a happy marriage, to children, to a traditional family, etc., etc.. So when we are missing one of these blessings we feel that we have been cheated. We think, "surely I am as good, as worthy as (choose a name). Why does (same name) have this blessing when I don't." Or maybe we doubt our own worthiness, our own value because we don't have all of the blessings we believe we should have. After all, didn't we come to this earth to be sealed as families - isn't that one of the most important things we came to do? So why isn't that part of "my" life?

Then we begin to define ourselves by what we don't have. "I've never been married, there is no way these other Relief Society sisters can understand my life. How can I relate to someone whose whole world revolves around her husband and children?" "How can they understand what it's like not to be able to have children?" "How can they understand what it's like to be divorced?" ".....a widow?" "....have a sick and/or dying husband?" and on and on. Satan must rejoice when we allow these things to separate us from each other, keep us from attending church or stop us from praying.

Our lives are not made up of single elements. We each have unique challenges and trials. The hurts and struggles these experiences bring to us are the same. The couple that is unable to have children may feel loneliness, grief at the loss of the ideal family, fear, frustration and isolation. Yet aren't these the same feelings suffered by the sister who has never married? Different causes, but similar feelings and struggles.

We all have challenges, no one is exempt. Or to put it another way, none of us will receive all blessings in this life. The prophets have repeatedly promised that blessings we do not receive in this life will be received in the next life. Elder Neal A Maxwell promised that we will be amazed at the perfection of the design of our challenges. The Lord is in charge. He has a plan for us, a perfect plan that involves the greatest possibility of growth with the least suffering possible. Elder Richard G Scott said, "Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love."

Rather than feel we have been cheated of an "entitled" blessing, let us rejoice in the many great blessings we DO have. Above all, let us all be grateful for the Plan of Salvation and the sure and certain knowledge that our Father in Heaven loves and cares for us!