Sunshine and Shadow

It has been an extremely difficult week! Pain, disaster, frustration, consequences, tears and pouring rain! Enough said.

However, it is important to note that in the midst of this tragic week there have been some beautiful moments of sunshine. So rather than moan and groan about how awful this week has been I'd like to share with you the good things that have happened.

I started an ASL (American Sign Language) class at the U, although it actually meets in Murray, which is also a good thing for me. This is probably one of the funnest classes I've every had. The class is 3 hours long but it doesn't feel like it.

Molly continues to be a source of joy for me. She is such a sweet little dog. It is nice to have someone to come home to, but it is also nice because she doesn't need much. Some fun, a little attention and then she just cuddles up and goes to sleep.

I got a text from Devn yesterday, at just about my lowest point. He said it didn't look like he was going to a stake conference this weekend so he has some free time. Would Scott and I like to go to lunch with him. Now, I'm pretty sure he did this because he wants to spend some time with Scott, whom he hasn't seen for a long time, but I'm pretty sure I'm the one who needs this visit. What a "tender mercy!"

Well, it's Saturday at last. The sun is shining, although I had hot chocolate for breakfast because it is still quite cool. I'm going to a bridal shower for Kristin Johnson (after lunch with Devn) and I get to give her the cool stuff I got for her while at Disneyland.

I think she is really going to like them!





I had time this morning to get caught up on the blogging world. I found a link on the Mormon Mommy blog http://www.mormonmommyblogs.com/ to another creative site http://blogginwithbobbi.blogspot.com/2011/04/free-friday-keep-trying-quote.html where I found this perfect quote.
So I'm putting it up on my bathroom mirror.

I'm going to do my best to look forward and not back and follow the admonition to

"Be of Good Cheer!"

Healthy Still

About a month ago I went to my nurse practitioner and had a physical exam. While that was a relatively benign experience it has had some interesting results. Mostly because she sent me off to have some other tests. The first ones were the easiest.

1. Some blood work - oops my cholesterol is high - Ouch! Don't worry just take some more pills. Okay, part of me is fine with that. Taking pills is easy, but really, shouldn't I be more careful of my diet? I have been really bad lately, eating out a lot and just eating what I feel like not what is necessarily healthy. I'll do better - I'm not really going to be happy with "just take some pills." More Kneaders and less hamburgers and fries. More chicken, less beef, more veggies and fruits, more fiber. Last week I bought some grapes and just kept them on my desk at school and snacked on them all week - it was really great. I bought some more grapes this week and got the wrong kind and just threw them away. Rats!

2. A bone density scan - everything is great, no problems. Someday I'm going to figure out how come I have sore hips and shoulders and sometimes knees. No arthritis yet, just sore joints.

3. A brain MRI - I often wake up with headaches - really bad ones. So this was the first test for that. Everything normal. My brain is not going to explode even though it sometimes feels like it. I guess that is a good thing.

4. A passive sleep test - I wore a pulse oximiter on my finger all night. Results - low oxygen during the night - go see a sleep doctor.

5. I went to see the sleep doctor yesterday. He was very nice and very talkative. I was his last patient of the day and he was just in the mood to visit. Ok, whatever. Before I went in to see him he had me fill out a little questionnaire about how likely I was to fall asleep in certain situations. He said I'm a very sleepy person. Now, I've felt like I was a very tired person, but it isn't something you can really measure very well. Has he now given me permission to be sleepy all the time? He agreed with me, I'm sleepy. Hum.... It is crazy, I take a caffeine pill in the morning to wake up and sometimes I take a sleeping pill at night to go to sleep. It often takes me and hour or more to fall asleep at night. Of course, I can fall asleep during the day without much problem. Last night was particularly bad - 2 1/2 hours to fall asleep with the sleeping pill and I just couldn't wake up this morning. Yuck! How much of that is because he validated that I am a sleepy person? I don't know. Anyway, the results is that Friday night I get to go sleep at a sleep center. The first question is, do I have sleep apnea? Now, I know that Devn has it and has it pretty bad. I suspect my mother had it. Sleep apnea is bad because it is hard on your heart and every other important organ in your body. It tends to cut your life short. Basically as you get older sometimes your trachea and throat collapse when you sleep and cut off your breathing. This wakes you up and you never reach the really important parts of sleep. This can happen even though you don't realize you're waking up. So I'll go in Friday night and they will attach all kinds of wires to me. Really, around my eyes and nose, in my hair, my chest and even my legs and arms. They "say" that I should be able to sleep just fine, we'll see. Then if they decide that I have sleep apnea I get to use a CPAP machine at night. Oh, fun (sarcasm font needed)

6. This one hasn't happened yet, but I'm NOT excited. I get to have a Colonoscopy. Oh, I'm excited for that! (more sarcasm) They say it's not bad, just the prep is bad. Yeah, right. I've heard the prep is REALLY bad. Well, that isn't even scheduled yet. I'm sure it will be an experience.

Really, the results of all of this is that I'm basically healthy. I'm not as young as I used to be and sometimes they just tell me that. I will be glad if they can figure out why I have headaches in the morning and help me to be less of a "sleepy person."

So, there it is. Your mother/grandmother will be around for a long time to come and will live to a good old age. I'm not entirely sure that is good news for you. I'm never going to be able to afford retirement and at some point I won't be able to work any more. YUCK! I really don't want to live to be 90. Please remember that if it ever comes up.

Also, I am including in this post (as I'm sure you've noticed) a picture I had taken of myself in case I decided to apply for an overseas teaching position. I never used it but it is a good picture, so I'm posting it here and you are welcome to do with it what you will.

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to my wonderful daughters! (Yes, that includes Tanya)

I'm afraid I have done my daughters a dis-service. I spent years hating Mother's Day. I felt so inadequate as a parent, especially as a single mother. I would sit in church and listen to people extol the virtues of motherhood and think how poorly I was doing. Ouch! Sometimes I would be "sick" on Mother's Day to avoid all of that. I never really "got into" the whole flower, chocolate, CD, gift thing. It's a nice thought, but really, what's the point. I know the men in the ward want to honor mothers but really....

Motherhood is an amazing thing. When you stand back and look at what women do for their children it is awesome. However, the nitty gritty, daily grind of motherhood can be rough. It is an incredibly difficult job. Morning and night time, all day long, never ending, continuous, hectic, demanding, unrelenting and overwhelming job.

I loved being a stay at home mom, it really was the best job I've ever had. There is a freedom in being your own boss in a sense and you're always involved with the people who are most important to you (and yes, that includes your husband.) I've always felt bad that Scott and Stephanie didn't get as much of that, but it wasn't really my choice, so I shouldn't feel guilty, but being a mom I do. (Yes, that is a really long, run-on sentence.)

Now, from a little more perspective, I can use mother's day to look more at my mother instead of myself. How selfish of me to only look at my inadequacies instead of appreciating my mother.
My mother was unfailingly loving and kind. What a precious gift it is to always know that you are loved. Even though I was 8 years behind the rest of the family, she took great care to let me know that I was not an accident, that I was loved and wanted. She used to tell me stories about how she would set an extra place at the table before I was born. She told me how she just knew their was one more child to come. I took that for granted and only realized later how carefully she was to let me know I was wanted.

I grew up in a wonderful family. A family that loved me and each other. A family strong in the gospel. A family that valued hard work, responsibility, education and that was committed to each other. I didn't know that was unusual until I was Relief Society President. I thought that was the norm. Boy, was I wrong! I know now, that my mother was the one who made all of that possible. My dad is also an amazing man, but he didn't grow up in a stable home. I'm sure he wanted that for his children, but he probably had no idea how to make it happen. My mom had to set the pattern and teach him how to do it. She was the peacemaker, the soother, the quiet love and compassion, the glue that held everything together. What an amazing woman. I always knew that no matter how stupid I was, no matter what dumb thing I had done, my mother would forgive me and she would always love me. That is a great gift! (My father would also forgive me, but he might get upset first. Mother, never, ever yelled.)

In retrospect I must have done something right. You are each incredible people! I'm not sure I deserve much credit for that though. Mostly I just needed to get out of the way and let you be who you've always been. I love watching you be parents! I thank you for the gift of grandchildren! Those who are not yet parents are no less wonderful. I love watching how responsible you are! I love watching you grow as you conquer trials and difficulties. I am continually amazed by your resourcefulness, you talent, and your perseverance. (Yes, Scott, you too!) I am blessed to have each one of you in my life. I love you all very, very much!