Spiritual Entitlement

Family, this is something that I have been thinking about for a long time. About 6 years ago I went to Women's Conference at BYU and I ended up in the "wrong" class. It was for couples who struggled with infertility issues. One of the first things the teacher said was "No one who has not experienced this can understand how we feel." I took issue with that and still do. Since then I have seen many articles, talks, even books, usually about infertility where the implication seems to be that "no one else can understand our feelings."

Since I also live a life out of the traditional family pattern, I feel like I have experienced many of the same feelings even though the cause has been different. I had a husband that suffered from severe mental health issues. On the outside, I'm sure our family looked like the traditional family, but it was a family in chaos. We went forward and survived, but that doesn't mean it wasn't very difficult for all of us at times.

I guess I just resent the thought that I can't understand someone Else's struggles just because they are different from mine. I know that there are many single women and many single mothers who feel that married women can't understand them. I disagree. Most of my close friends are married and we understand each other just fine. Their struggles are different from mine, but if I've learned anything from them it is that we are sisters. We have been through many trials together and our differing circumstances have little to do with our friendship.

So, although I have thought about this little essay for years, I haven't written it down before. Read it through and tell me what you think.

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We live in a culture of Entitlement. We feel that we are entitled to a nice home, health insurance, a car, an education, a good career, etc., etc., etc.. In fact we have been warned by our church leaders that an attitude of entitlement is dangerous.

"The worldly aspiration of our day is to get something for nothing. The ancient evil of greed
shows its face in the assertion of entitlement: I am entitled to this or that because of who I
am—a son or a daughter, a citizen, a victim, or a member of some other group. Entitlement is
generally selfish. It demands much, and it gives little or nothing. Its very concept causes us
to seek to elevate ourselves above those around us. This separates us from the divine,
evenhanded standard of reward that when anyone obtains any blessing from God, it is by
obedience to the law on which that blessing is predicated (see D&C 130:21)." Dallin H Oaks,
General Conference address, April 2009.

It may be that we also suffer from an attitude of spiritual entitlement. We feel that we are entitled to a happy marriage, to children, to a traditional family, etc., etc.. So when we are missing one of these blessings we feel that we have been cheated. We think, "surely I am as good, as worthy as (choose a name). Why does (same name) have this blessing when I don't." Or maybe we doubt our own worthiness, our own value because we don't have all of the blessings we believe we should have. After all, didn't we come to this earth to be sealed as families - isn't that one of the most important things we came to do? So why isn't that part of "my" life?

Then we begin to define ourselves by what we don't have. "I've never been married, there is no way these other Relief Society sisters can understand my life. How can I relate to someone whose whole world revolves around her husband and children?" "How can they understand what it's like not to be able to have children?" "How can they understand what it's like to be divorced?" ".....a widow?" "....have a sick and/or dying husband?" and on and on. Satan must rejoice when we allow these things to separate us from each other, keep us from attending church or stop us from praying.

Our lives are not made up of single elements. We each have unique challenges and trials. The hurts and struggles these experiences bring to us are the same. The couple that is unable to have children may feel loneliness, grief at the loss of the ideal family, fear, frustration and isolation. Yet aren't these the same feelings suffered by the sister who has never married? Different causes, but similar feelings and struggles.

We all have challenges, no one is exempt. Or to put it another way, none of us will receive all blessings in this life. The prophets have repeatedly promised that blessings we do not receive in this life will be received in the next life. Elder Neal A Maxwell promised that we will be amazed at the perfection of the design of our challenges. The Lord is in charge. He has a plan for us, a perfect plan that involves the greatest possibility of growth with the least suffering possible. Elder Richard G Scott said, "Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love."

Rather than feel we have been cheated of an "entitled" blessing, let us rejoice in the many great blessings we DO have. Above all, let us all be grateful for the Plan of Salvation and the sure and certain knowledge that our Father in Heaven loves and cares for us!